Letter 1: A Selfish Request

September 7, 1992

Zayn Akodia

Elkader, IA

Dearest Aselia Layla,

I have toiled anxiously over sending you this communication. Since my last correspondence, I have been plagued by a peculiar multi-symptom infection: confusion, longing for you, and inner turmoil fueled by remorse over the way I handled receiving your photographs…

Imam al-Būṣīrī writes in his famous Qaṣīda Burda:

If not for passion, your tears would not flow over traces [of your beloved]

Nor would you lie sleepless, remembering the willow tree and the mountain

The uneasiness in my heart is an indication of passion still present. The willow trees that were our personalities aligning and the mountain of comfort that brought with it left an impression on me. Perhaps I acted with too much haste when raising the veil between us again. As the Messenger of God ﷺ tells us:

Deliberation is from God & haste is from the Devil.

Only after I arrived, a couple of days ago, at the firm decision to send this letter was my anxiety alleviated. I believe it is the right path forward despite the risks involved, due to God’s grace in bestowing calm within my heart.

I am not sure what state your heart occupies at this juncture. I owe you an explanation and a thoughtful proposition, that you may mull over if I am to make this selfish request.

You have seen so much of me in a relatively short span of time. It is rare for me to find people with whom I align so well & feel comfortable sharing the intricacies of my being with.

Yet, on my end, I hadn’t seen your countenance. What I did see were the qualities that make you a ravishing woman. The veil between us fostered in my heart a liking for you that was not driven by lust. I am having great trouble letting go of the beauty of that connection.

I don’t believe that attraction can grow over time, but I do think it can be supplemented by deep emotional connection, something I am certain we had & can continue to grow. However, without clarity on the state of our chemistry, it would be futile to pursue further entanglement, which would only lead to greater grief down the line.

Images cannot recreate the way light lands on a face, a gait of humility, the growing grooves of a budding smile, or the magnetism that can arise from these qualities interlacing in the company of another. For me to find clarity amidst my confusion, I am selfishly requesting that we arrange to meet.

It is not lost on me that, after our meeting, we may end up in the same place we stand today. This shattered hope could reopen a wound that was itself inflicted by the unveiling of gauze…

There is a great possibility ahead, for love to grow or for hearts to break once again. I leave the decision to you, given that the impact of a second go may be more difficult for you to bear.

I pray God guides us both to what is best for us in this life & the next.

With affection,

Zayn Akodia

*Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals in correspondence.